Growing up, I was a very curious kid. I wanted to know what everything was and is. I loved being in crowds (because that probably meant that I was at Disney). I would get nervous, but it wouldn't freak me out. I loved being on stage, and to be honest, I still do. That was always the best feeling. The few seconds right before the music start and the lights would come up. I also loved meeting new people. I was really good about going up and talking to strangers until they turned into my best friends.
But ever since my mother died, I have hated all of those feelings. Maybe not the word hate, but more like a nervous, heart-pounding moment. I start to feel sick like I'm going to throw up, and there have been times I work my body up so much I do become physically sick. I have gotten rashes, midranges, the shacks, and the worst thing is I have been having insomnia problems for over a year now. The moment I knew something was wrong was during my first history test in Junior year. I HAD A PANIC ATTACK. I mean I know my history teacher can be a hard teacher, but a PANIC ATTACK?!
I remember walking into the test nervous because it was a lot of material. But to make matters worse, my teacher started to finish teaching the chapter we were on. The whole time I am thinking, I'm not doing to remember any of this. I'm going to fail. My dad is going to be so mad and yell at me for not studying. When she handed me the test everything on the page started to get blurry. I couldn't focus, and I started having trouble breathing. I went up to my teacher and told her I was having trouble breathing and need to go to the office. Luckily I knew everyone in the office, and they helped explain to me that I had a panic attack, and I would be okay.
After all of this happened, I thought that there was something wrong with me and that I was going crazy. I had no clue how to describe my feelings. Until one day, one of my friends sent me a link to a youtube video (this one -> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-iNOFD27G4) It was by Zoella. I love Zoe and have ever since 2012. (OMG 4 years of my life) But I had never seen this video. She started talking about her anxiety issues and panic attacks. I just remember sobbing during the video because everything she was saying was what I was going through.
After a few years of research, I have learned that it is pretty common for someone who had a traumatic event (my mother dying) to suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. I feel so much better knowing I'm not alone. And luckily I have been able to help myself, so I don't suffer as much as I use too.
Anxiety is different for everyone. For me, it can be the littlest thing that makes my anxiety go crazy. And if I don't let my body take a moment to calm down, I will get a panic attack. I know I will be getting a panic attack when my throat starts to close up and then I feel very claustrophobic. People's words and actions become all fuzzy. When I started to feel this way, I always try to tell someone I can trust that I am having one and or go outside (or away from the crowds).
I'm not writing this to make you all feel sorry for me. I had a friend tell me that she thought I should share it so that way other people who may be going through this will know they aren't alone. I know I don't have 10 million subscribers and I'm just a fly on the windshield of life. But you never know who will need to hear this. I just felt during this moment to start writing. I hoped this helped someone out there.
Lots of Love, Stephanie
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