2-years later....

Hey Friends,

On June 3 of this year, I remembered that 2 years ago on that date I lost my mother. I have been trying to think lately that Heaven gained her than I lost her. Life is a hard thing, but I bet you knew that. Not having my mom around for 2 years feels like a really bad nightmare that I just can't wake up from. For some reason, I have been think of her more and more lately. I mean I have thought about her every day since the moment I was born. But the last week, she can't get out of my head. 

On July 1, I woke up three times during the night to 3 different nightmares. All 3 of the nightmares had something to do with my mother dying. But she didn't die from a disease. She died from a car accident; a man shot her at gunpoint, and then she got killed during a bombing. I know with everything going on in the world that the last two did make a little sense, but why my mom? 

I couldn't help but feel depressed all throughout the day after that happened. Ever since my mom died, I have dealt with depression and anxiety issues. Apparently that common due to the loss I had, but it can suck. I learned a trick, though. For every moment I feel sad and alone, I think of one reason I shouldn't feel that way. For example, I lost my mom, but I still have my dad. I still have one parent who cares about me. Also singing My Favorite Things can help me out too. Also, instead of writing in a diary, I have been writing letters to my mom. I keep them in a notebook I got for graduation. I feel like I can write more to her than to a random book. Because if you go through my old diaries they have entries like "Dear Diary, I rode my bike today. Well, I'm tired goodnight." Actually telling my mom how I am feeling has been helping me write so much more. It makes me feel like I am really communicating to her. 

I have learned to accept that I will have some depressing days, but I will have more days where I am happy then ones I am sad. And that keeps me going. That is something that gets me out of bed. I do have big things ahead of me and I'm so excited to get to share them with the people I care about most. I am not alone. And now that I can accept that it makes most of the pain go away. 

These past 2 years have been the hardest of my life, but at the same time, they have been the best 2 years of my life. I have found the people and things that truly make me happy. It also makes me wonder if I would be friends with the same people if my mom was still around. If I would go through everything that I have. If I would be going to the same college that I'm going to now. And meeting the people I am meeting now. It's crazy to think how one thing big or small can change your world forever. 

I will miss my mother for the rest of my life. But I know she will always be in my heart.

Love always, Stephanie