I have Anxiety and that's Okay...

Growing up, I was a very curious kid. I wanted to know what everything was and is. I loved being in crowds (because that probably meant that I was at Disney). I would get nervous, but it wouldn't freak me out. I loved being on stage, and to be honest, I still do. That was always the best feeling. The few seconds right before the music start and the lights would come up. I also loved meeting new people. I was really good about going up and talking to strangers until they turned into my best friends. 

But ever since my mother died, I have hated all of those feelings. Maybe not the word hate, but more like a nervous, heart-pounding moment. I start to feel sick like I'm going to throw up, and there have been times I work my body up so much I do become physically sick. I have gotten rashes, midranges, the shacks, and the worst thing is I have been having insomnia problems for over a year now. The moment I knew something was wrong was during my first history test in Junior year. I HAD A PANIC ATTACK.  I mean I know my history teacher can be a hard teacher, but a PANIC ATTACK?! 

I remember walking into the test nervous because it was a lot of material. But to make matters worse, my teacher started to finish teaching the chapter we were on. The whole time I am thinking, I'm not doing to remember any of this. I'm going to fail. My dad is going to be so mad and yell at me for not studying. When she handed me the test everything on the page started to get blurry. I couldn't focus, and I started having trouble breathing. I went up to my teacher and told her I was having trouble breathing and need to go to the office. Luckily I knew everyone in the office, and they helped explain to me that I had a panic attack, and I would be okay. 

After all of this happened, I thought that there was something wrong with me and that I was going crazy. I had no clue how to describe my feelings. Until one day, one of my friends sent me a link to a youtube video (this one -> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-iNOFD27G4) It was by Zoella. I love Zoe and have ever since 2012. (OMG 4 years of my life) But I had never seen this video. She started talking about her anxiety issues and panic attacks. I just remember sobbing during the video because everything she was saying was what I was going through. 

After a few years of research, I have learned that it is pretty common for someone who had a traumatic event (my mother dying) to suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. I feel so much better knowing I'm not alone. And luckily I have been able to help myself, so I don't suffer as much as I use too. 

Anxiety is different for everyone. For me, it can be the littlest thing that makes my anxiety go crazy. And if I don't let my body take a moment to calm down, I will get a panic attack. I know I will be getting a panic attack when my throat starts to close up and then I feel very claustrophobic. People's words and actions become all fuzzy. When I started to feel this way, I always try to tell someone I can trust that I am having one and or go outside (or away from the crowds). 

I'm not writing this to make you all feel sorry for me. I had a friend tell me that she thought I should share it so that way other people who may be going through this will know they aren't alone. I know I don't have 10 million subscribers and I'm just a fly on the windshield of life. But you never know who will need to hear this. I just felt during this moment to start writing. I hoped this helped someone out there. 

Lots of Love, Stephanie

2-years later....

Hey Friends,

On June 3 of this year, I remembered that 2 years ago on that date I lost my mother. I have been trying to think lately that Heaven gained her than I lost her. Life is a hard thing, but I bet you knew that. Not having my mom around for 2 years feels like a really bad nightmare that I just can't wake up from. For some reason, I have been think of her more and more lately. I mean I have thought about her every day since the moment I was born. But the last week, she can't get out of my head. 

On July 1, I woke up three times during the night to 3 different nightmares. All 3 of the nightmares had something to do with my mother dying. But she didn't die from a disease. She died from a car accident; a man shot her at gunpoint, and then she got killed during a bombing. I know with everything going on in the world that the last two did make a little sense, but why my mom? 

I couldn't help but feel depressed all throughout the day after that happened. Ever since my mom died, I have dealt with depression and anxiety issues. Apparently that common due to the loss I had, but it can suck. I learned a trick, though. For every moment I feel sad and alone, I think of one reason I shouldn't feel that way. For example, I lost my mom, but I still have my dad. I still have one parent who cares about me. Also singing My Favorite Things can help me out too. Also, instead of writing in a diary, I have been writing letters to my mom. I keep them in a notebook I got for graduation. I feel like I can write more to her than to a random book. Because if you go through my old diaries they have entries like "Dear Diary, I rode my bike today. Well, I'm tired goodnight." Actually telling my mom how I am feeling has been helping me write so much more. It makes me feel like I am really communicating to her. 

I have learned to accept that I will have some depressing days, but I will have more days where I am happy then ones I am sad. And that keeps me going. That is something that gets me out of bed. I do have big things ahead of me and I'm so excited to get to share them with the people I care about most. I am not alone. And now that I can accept that it makes most of the pain go away. 

These past 2 years have been the hardest of my life, but at the same time, they have been the best 2 years of my life. I have found the people and things that truly make me happy. It also makes me wonder if I would be friends with the same people if my mom was still around. If I would go through everything that I have. If I would be going to the same college that I'm going to now. And meeting the people I am meeting now. It's crazy to think how one thing big or small can change your world forever. 

I will miss my mother for the rest of my life. But I know she will always be in my heart.

Love always, Stephanie

Where has the time gone?!

Hello Friends,

A little over a month ago my life changed, in a big way! I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL!!!

Graduation is something you talk about for 12 years of you life! Maybe even more, depending if you are a genius 3-year-old. But when it actually happens, it comes by like a wave. Slow at forming and then comes crashing into the sea within seconds. People have been telling me how proud they are so me, and how they can't wait to see where I go in life. And I'm just over here slowing dying of the thought of leaving all of this. Now I am one of the first people to say they couldn't wait to leave High School! I hated it. I wanted it to go by in the blink of an eye. Why did I wish that? Sure I had some bumps in the road. I embarrassed myself in front of hundreds of guys. I lost friends. But in the end, I feel like I gained more from the experience than lost.  

During my senior year, I gained a group of people that I know I will always be close to (or at the very least stay in contact too). Most of these people, I walked past for years and never once thought I would be so close to them as I am now. That's just crazy to me, to think I had a time in my life where they went in it. Because now I can't see my life without them. 

Now I went to a very small private Christian school for 11-years of my life. Most of the people I graduated with I had known since the 2nd grade. There were a lot of lost best friends of mine in that group. Ones I thought I couldn't live without. That's the thing about High School. You will lose some of the people that you were inseparable with during elementary school, and gained new ones. I think it's because we change the most during this point in our lives. Finding who we are, and some people just don't click like they use too.

Try to remember your best friend in 2nd grade. Are you still friends with them now? When was the last time you saw them? When was the last time you heard from them? 

For some people, they will have said they are still super close to that person now. But for most you probably haven't seen them in years. I was blessed to have my 2nd grade best friend become my best friend again during my sophomore year when my mother was dying of ALS. And though we aren't as close as we were two years ago, she will always be there for me, and I will always be there for her. 

I use to hate change! I hated the word, just as much as I hated the meaning. Change means the end of something, but recently I realized it means the beginning of something else. Maybe even something better. 

I know I am the complete opposite of perfect. I have so many flaws, I can't even keep count. One of these flaws is being angry and rude. That's something I have had trouble with since I was around twelve. I don't know why I am like it? I have been very blessed at everything I have been given, yet I choose to be rude than to be appeciative. So for the moment, I will take this change thing slow. I will start working on being nicer, and things like moving away will start to feel less nerve racking. 

So do you have anything to change about yourself? Leave something that you want to change in the comments below and also put how you will make the change. 

Thank you for listening to me ramble! 

Love always, Stephanie