Merry Christmas!!!

Well, the most wonderful time of the year is now. I feel like I blinked and 2016 just blew by. It's crazy to think that it is Christmas Eve. My dad and I got back from Disney World a few hours ago, and I can't wait to make a blog post of my Facts about Disney Blog. Hopefully, I will have that post up soon.

For me, this Christmas is very strange. It's my first Christmas in over 10 years that I'm not living in my childhood home. Also, my mother isn't here. It's so weird to think this is the third Christmas she will not be here for. I miss her making Hot Cocoa and singing to Mariah Carey's Christmas Cds. She just made Christmas, Christmas for both my father and I. Thinking about her, I would like to imagine she is celebrating Christmas in Heaven. Though, I'm jealous she is there and not here. I know she is in a much better place.

Looking over my bible, I like to read the story of Jesus' birth ever Christmas. My favorite is in the book of Luke. As I read it, I am grateful for the sacrifices God made for us.

Overall I am grateful for another amazing Christmas I get to celebrate with my family and friends!

Make sure to go to bed because Santa is on his way!

Stephanie xxx

Well First Semester happened....

Well... That went by fast! It feels like yesterday I was tossing and turning in my bed because I was so anxious what is awaiting me the next morning. And now here I am, sitting on in the same bed wondering where the time went.

The first semester of college was honestly the hardest/most amazing experience of my whole life. A lot happened! Good and bad. But as they say, "It's not where you are, it's who you're with." This is very right. I have amazing friends who have become family to me. That's probably why the transition for me was so easy because I have a family at college now. I already miss them all so much, and I'm sad I won't see them for almost a month.

 It's been so nice to share this amazing experience with these amazing people. I believe that God has a plan for your like. Like it says in Jeremiah 29:11! And the last few years I have felt like I didn't have one. Though I still am very confused about what I want to do in life; I have a good support system to help me figure it out. 

Something that I don't like out Illinois is the cold and snow! IT'S WORSE THAN THEY EVER COULD HAVE TRIED TO EXPLAIN!!!!!!!!!!!! The picture above was from a recent trip we took to Chicago! Yea, I'm in leggings, jeans, two long sleeves, a sweatshirt, my heavy coat, A scarf (I borrowed from my friend Lauren), gloves, winter headband, two pairs of fuzzy socks, and sorrell boots. I was still cold. And guys..... It's just going to get worse! I better cherish the time I have in the 40s and 30s in Nashville while I can. 

Well, I want to say more, but I have two suitcases to unpack and its midnight! I just want to thank everyone in my life who has made this past semester happen! I love you all and will keep you up to date on how my break goes! 

Stephanie xxx

How I Deal with Missing my Mom during the Holidays...

Hey guys,

I just want to thank you for your loving comments and Instagram messages from my video about losing my mother to ALS. I got a message recently from someone who recently lost a parent and wants advice to go into the holiday season. I thought it would be a great blog post and hopefully help someone else who is suffering from the same thing.

This will be my third Holiday season without my mom, and I'm just going, to be honest, it just as hard as the first. The holidays were my mother's favorite time of the year. She loved to have people over on Thanksgiving and making me and my father hot chocolate while we put the outside Christmas decorations up.

What I do to make the holidays less sad because she isn't here is to put up her ornaments on our Chrismas tree. She loved the Peanuts, so basically, our tree is cover with Snoopy and Charlie Brown right now. I also still put her stocking up every year. For some people, that is hard, and they refuse to do it. For me, it is something I need to do. Because even though she isn't here physically, she will always be with us.

I also try not to get sad if we do something that she wouldn't want to do, or if we forget a tradition. My dad and I try to do everything that we did when my mom was alive, but obviously its not going to happen the same. My mom would get my Christmas PJs that I would open on Christmas Eve, so I had them when I opened presents in the morning. My dad has been such a kind to keep that tradition up.

Something we try to do is to make new traditions. Like last year, my dad said he wanted to watch the I Love Lucy Christmas Special every Christmas season. At first, I was a little upset because he wanted to start a tradition without my mom. But after I stepped back and thought about it, itis good to have a new tradition to look forward to every year.

I guess my biggest advice is to wrap yourself up with family. That is what gets me through every holiday season is my family and friends. It is the most wonderful time of the year, and I know that my mother would want me to be enjoying it and not sitting around missing her.

Everyone deals with grief differently, and this is just how I deal with it during the holidays. I hope that this was helpful for some of you and maybe make your Christmas a bit more enjoyable. Just remember that whoever you lost will always be with you.

I love you all so much and hope you have a wonderful holiday season!!!

Love Stephanie xxx

Well College...

College! Where do I get started? Well, I have been in college for about 2-months and a half, and it feels so much longer. It feels like each month is a year, but what’s funny is the months are going so fast. I blinked at its November. I’m so exhausted. Half of it is from staying up doing school work, and the other half is because I’m always out doing something. I hate being in my room at 8:00 pm. I like being out whether if that’s out eating or just being in the library. That’s another thing that blows my mind. The library. I never thought I would ever go in there. I’M ALWAYS IN THERE. 2^ND floor in Benner Library has slowly become the room I’m always in. If I text you saying I’m in the library, that’s where I am.

 

The school work is well awful. Actually it isn’t that bad. I feel like Davidson prepared me very well for the type of workload I have. I have a pretty good relationship with the professors and I know they are there for me if I need help. It’s great being in a school were people actually care if you are failing. I have a good amount of friends who are struggling in classes but their professor could care less about them. Think that’s what sets Olivet aside from other universities.   

                  The biggest challenge I think for me is being away from my dad. I really didn’t get homesick a few weeks ago. I’m counting down the days till I get to come home for thanksgiving break (12 days by the way).  But when I am home, I miss my other home. School. I love being here so much. This experience is the best thing to have ever happen to me. I have meet some of the best people I have ever meet in my life. I’m so grateful for everyone I get to call my friends. We have done stuff like go to Chicago, and watch the Cubs win the world series from the basement of the rec. It’s crazy how I few people have made this experience so amazing for me. If I didn’t have them I would probably be home right now trying to find a job because I would have dropped out. If I would have known that this would be my college experience, I would not have been so stressed as I was.

 

                  So overall College is amazing. And I’m so excited to be where I am with the people I am with for the next four years of my life. God has blessed me and I will be forever grateful.

I have Anxiety and that's Okay...

Growing up, I was a very curious kid. I wanted to know what everything was and is. I loved being in crowds (because that probably meant that I was at Disney). I would get nervous, but it wouldn't freak me out. I loved being on stage, and to be honest, I still do. That was always the best feeling. The few seconds right before the music start and the lights would come up. I also loved meeting new people. I was really good about going up and talking to strangers until they turned into my best friends. 

But ever since my mother died, I have hated all of those feelings. Maybe not the word hate, but more like a nervous, heart-pounding moment. I start to feel sick like I'm going to throw up, and there have been times I work my body up so much I do become physically sick. I have gotten rashes, midranges, the shacks, and the worst thing is I have been having insomnia problems for over a year now. The moment I knew something was wrong was during my first history test in Junior year. I HAD A PANIC ATTACK.  I mean I know my history teacher can be a hard teacher, but a PANIC ATTACK?! 

I remember walking into the test nervous because it was a lot of material. But to make matters worse, my teacher started to finish teaching the chapter we were on. The whole time I am thinking, I'm not doing to remember any of this. I'm going to fail. My dad is going to be so mad and yell at me for not studying. When she handed me the test everything on the page started to get blurry. I couldn't focus, and I started having trouble breathing. I went up to my teacher and told her I was having trouble breathing and need to go to the office. Luckily I knew everyone in the office, and they helped explain to me that I had a panic attack, and I would be okay. 

After all of this happened, I thought that there was something wrong with me and that I was going crazy. I had no clue how to describe my feelings. Until one day, one of my friends sent me a link to a youtube video (this one -> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-iNOFD27G4) It was by Zoella. I love Zoe and have ever since 2012. (OMG 4 years of my life) But I had never seen this video. She started talking about her anxiety issues and panic attacks. I just remember sobbing during the video because everything she was saying was what I was going through. 

After a few years of research, I have learned that it is pretty common for someone who had a traumatic event (my mother dying) to suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. I feel so much better knowing I'm not alone. And luckily I have been able to help myself, so I don't suffer as much as I use too. 

Anxiety is different for everyone. For me, it can be the littlest thing that makes my anxiety go crazy. And if I don't let my body take a moment to calm down, I will get a panic attack. I know I will be getting a panic attack when my throat starts to close up and then I feel very claustrophobic. People's words and actions become all fuzzy. When I started to feel this way, I always try to tell someone I can trust that I am having one and or go outside (or away from the crowds). 

I'm not writing this to make you all feel sorry for me. I had a friend tell me that she thought I should share it so that way other people who may be going through this will know they aren't alone. I know I don't have 10 million subscribers and I'm just a fly on the windshield of life. But you never know who will need to hear this. I just felt during this moment to start writing. I hoped this helped someone out there. 

Lots of Love, Stephanie

2-years later....

Hey Friends,

On June 3 of this year, I remembered that 2 years ago on that date I lost my mother. I have been trying to think lately that Heaven gained her than I lost her. Life is a hard thing, but I bet you knew that. Not having my mom around for 2 years feels like a really bad nightmare that I just can't wake up from. For some reason, I have been think of her more and more lately. I mean I have thought about her every day since the moment I was born. But the last week, she can't get out of my head. 

On July 1, I woke up three times during the night to 3 different nightmares. All 3 of the nightmares had something to do with my mother dying. But she didn't die from a disease. She died from a car accident; a man shot her at gunpoint, and then she got killed during a bombing. I know with everything going on in the world that the last two did make a little sense, but why my mom? 

I couldn't help but feel depressed all throughout the day after that happened. Ever since my mom died, I have dealt with depression and anxiety issues. Apparently that common due to the loss I had, but it can suck. I learned a trick, though. For every moment I feel sad and alone, I think of one reason I shouldn't feel that way. For example, I lost my mom, but I still have my dad. I still have one parent who cares about me. Also singing My Favorite Things can help me out too. Also, instead of writing in a diary, I have been writing letters to my mom. I keep them in a notebook I got for graduation. I feel like I can write more to her than to a random book. Because if you go through my old diaries they have entries like "Dear Diary, I rode my bike today. Well, I'm tired goodnight." Actually telling my mom how I am feeling has been helping me write so much more. It makes me feel like I am really communicating to her. 

I have learned to accept that I will have some depressing days, but I will have more days where I am happy then ones I am sad. And that keeps me going. That is something that gets me out of bed. I do have big things ahead of me and I'm so excited to get to share them with the people I care about most. I am not alone. And now that I can accept that it makes most of the pain go away. 

These past 2 years have been the hardest of my life, but at the same time, they have been the best 2 years of my life. I have found the people and things that truly make me happy. It also makes me wonder if I would be friends with the same people if my mom was still around. If I would go through everything that I have. If I would be going to the same college that I'm going to now. And meeting the people I am meeting now. It's crazy to think how one thing big or small can change your world forever. 

I will miss my mother for the rest of my life. But I know she will always be in my heart.

Love always, Stephanie

Where has the time gone?!

Hello Friends,

A little over a month ago my life changed, in a big way! I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL!!!

Graduation is something you talk about for 12 years of you life! Maybe even more, depending if you are a genius 3-year-old. But when it actually happens, it comes by like a wave. Slow at forming and then comes crashing into the sea within seconds. People have been telling me how proud they are so me, and how they can't wait to see where I go in life. And I'm just over here slowing dying of the thought of leaving all of this. Now I am one of the first people to say they couldn't wait to leave High School! I hated it. I wanted it to go by in the blink of an eye. Why did I wish that? Sure I had some bumps in the road. I embarrassed myself in front of hundreds of guys. I lost friends. But in the end, I feel like I gained more from the experience than lost.  

During my senior year, I gained a group of people that I know I will always be close to (or at the very least stay in contact too). Most of these people, I walked past for years and never once thought I would be so close to them as I am now. That's just crazy to me, to think I had a time in my life where they went in it. Because now I can't see my life without them. 

Now I went to a very small private Christian school for 11-years of my life. Most of the people I graduated with I had known since the 2nd grade. There were a lot of lost best friends of mine in that group. Ones I thought I couldn't live without. That's the thing about High School. You will lose some of the people that you were inseparable with during elementary school, and gained new ones. I think it's because we change the most during this point in our lives. Finding who we are, and some people just don't click like they use too.

Try to remember your best friend in 2nd grade. Are you still friends with them now? When was the last time you saw them? When was the last time you heard from them? 

For some people, they will have said they are still super close to that person now. But for most you probably haven't seen them in years. I was blessed to have my 2nd grade best friend become my best friend again during my sophomore year when my mother was dying of ALS. And though we aren't as close as we were two years ago, she will always be there for me, and I will always be there for her. 

I use to hate change! I hated the word, just as much as I hated the meaning. Change means the end of something, but recently I realized it means the beginning of something else. Maybe even something better. 

I know I am the complete opposite of perfect. I have so many flaws, I can't even keep count. One of these flaws is being angry and rude. That's something I have had trouble with since I was around twelve. I don't know why I am like it? I have been very blessed at everything I have been given, yet I choose to be rude than to be appeciative. So for the moment, I will take this change thing slow. I will start working on being nicer, and things like moving away will start to feel less nerve racking. 

So do you have anything to change about yourself? Leave something that you want to change in the comments below and also put how you will make the change. 

Thank you for listening to me ramble! 

Love always, Stephanie